Sometimes I Feel Guilty

Ok, It's a lot of times.

It's summertime in the Hyland household and I'm off from school. I have nothing I really have to do. But right across the room is Sarah working away at a job she increasingly doesn't like.

It's summertime. I could just play video games all day. To some extent, that's what I'd like to do. But she's over there earning a living, grumbling about needy clients or her boss making more work for her needlessly. So I leave Steam alone in the tray, with all the other game launchers.

I know if I say this stuff out loud she will encourage me to do what I want and not worry about it. Right now school is my job and I'm on vacation.

The feeling of guilt in the summer is new this summer, but not overall. I've felt this way before. It has mostly to do with money. This is the first summer since I started school that I'm not earning anything. When I started I still had a full-time job. After I quit that I was able to get a fellowship to do astronomy research, but I switched majors and the fellowship can only go to stem majors. As if NASA doesn't use artists and writers. As if they don't need us to convey their importance to the anti-science crowd that insists we only spend money on something that directly returns the investment.

The feeling of guilt hasn't been all bad, however. My resistance to opening up a game on weekdays has led to some productivity on the home front. I've actually planted stuff in some of the planters outside, and the fish tank project I've been excited about starting is well underway.

But overall, living with guilt that has been imposed on me by outside systems (I'll explain later) has been negative. I hope to get out from under it soon.